Disclaimer 1: This blog is about adoption through the eyes of an adoptee. The adoption narrative usually portrays adoption as all rainbows and unicorns with the adoptive parents hailed as saviors. I do not discount that there are good things that come from adoption stories but rarely is the adoptee voice heard in the narrative. I hope to show you the good, the bad, and the ugly. Please keep an open mind while reading.
Disclaimer 2: I truly appreciate my adoptive family. I love them. I mean no harm to either my adoptive or biological family with my story portrayed in this blog. I want to be as honest as I can with my feelings and my experiences. Therefore, you can get an accurate picture of an adoptee’s life and how we see the world. Some names have been changed.
“I am not a writer, but I have a lot to say.”
“Tell the truth, or eventually someone will tell it for you.’” Unknown author
“Can we please stop associating strength with someone’s ability to smile through tears and suffer in silence? Strength is being brave enough to talk about what’s hurting you on the inside.” – Dissociativediaries
The month that I spent talking to my biological father was a tumultuous time. I was elated to be in contact with him but also as the days went on, I realized that it was extremely confusing. He was a storyteller, that I cannot deny, but I began to wonder how much was true. It was upsetting to me that I would even have to question the validity of these conversations. Our relationship was a clean slate, so he could have started the relationship truthful and with mutual respect. Remember, I came from a situation where my adoptive father was a bullshit artist. It started to seem like my biological father was the same way.
He would talk for hours about his past.
From one story to another, the conversations started to not make sense. He never really asked about my past – just present things that were happening with my immediate family. Believe me, I could make a movie between my adoptive and biological fathers’ stories. It would be great entertainment. Are some of them true? Maybe. If these stories were any representation of what the 1960’s and 1970’s Boston area was about, I do not know how anyone made it out alive. Unfortunately, they are not my stories to tell but they are significant in the progression of my reunion. I really wanted him to reach out to his children to tell them about me. I was tired of being the one to reach out to people and having the fear of rejection.
My biological father kept talking around the subject. He said he had not had contact with them in 15 years. Alarms did go off in my head. This sounded so familiar to my adoptive fathers’ antics. I continued to listen, just waiting to hear any new information about this nonexistent relationship between him and his children. I lived this life before. I listened but mentally I was just shaking my head. I knew the tactics of an absent father. I just wanted to hear, “I screwed up with them, but I want to make it right.” Instead, I heard every excuse of why it was not his fault. This frustrated me beyond belief.
The thirty days were up. It was time to reach out to my siblings. I was incredibly nervous but excited. The first day I talked to my biological father, I had found my siblings on Facebook. I had stared at their pictures for the past month looking for any similarities. I just didn’t see any resemblance. Once again, I felt like an outsider always looking in. There was an eerie feeling within me that they just would not want to be a participant in this reunion. This may be another dead end in this journey. Who would want to have a relationship with a sibling they never knew? Especially, a stranger that claims to be from their fathers’ side. From what I understood, they had no contact with this side of the family. So basically, I was not starting off on favorable grounds.
It was a Saturday afternoon in July when I got off the phone with him. Deep down I knew it was time to reach out. I had no contact information for them, other than Facebook. Reaching out on Messenger was my only choice. I drafted a message I could send to both individually but where I could change just the names of each other. I figured they would be sharing the information once they got the messages. This was the message I sent:
“My name is Jennifer, and I was born on XXXXXX and placed for adoption. I have searched most of my life for any biological family I may have. A few years ago, I decided to try Ancesty.com and about a month ago I was able to connect to XXXX as a second cousin. He put me in touch with his dad (my first cousin) XXXX who confirmed my biological father is XXXX. I know this may be a shock and apologize ahead of time, but you are my half-sibling. I do not mean to cause you pain but please understand where I am coming from. Up until six months ago, I had no idea any of my background. I knew going into this search that I would come across rejection and I fully understand if you need time to process this information. I only ask that you let me know that you received this message. I would love to get to know you but understand if you need time. I have talked to XXXX (father) and he has been able to give me so much information about why I was placed for adoption. It has been an emotional roller coaster, but I finally feel I have some answers. He is aware that I planned on reaching out to you. I am sending this message to XXXX (sibling) as well. I hope to hear from you soon.”
I learned along my journey that I need to add the part about “understanding if they need time” and if they received the message. It is hard waiting around, especially when I had been waiting for 47 years. Also, I wanted to make sure they understood where I was coming from. I understood rejection but I wanted them to know that I knew this would rock their world. When using Messenger, sometimes your messages don’t always show up when you are not friends so I knew this could be the reason they were not answering right away. But here I was waiting again.
The next morning, I was heading back to Maryland and received messages from both of my siblings. My sister, Danielle, said this:
“Hello Jennifer. WOW! This is a shock. I never knew this either. It must be awful to go through such a thing. I’m sorry. I was reading this and was like this cannot be true. I would love to speak with you anytime you would like! Absolutely no rejection from me.”
At the same time, I got a message from my brother Paul:
“Nothing surprises me about that guy. Nice to meet you Jennifer.” He then gave me his number.
I was in the car so I quickly messaged Danielle back that I was on the road and would call her later that day. I was so nervous.
I got up the nerve to call her. We talked 3-4 hours on the phone. It was amazing. At the beginning of the conversation, she mentioned that she had a lot to say but was afraid to be honest because she didn’t want to scare me off. I told her to please be as open as possible because I have many questions and concerns. I let her talk and I didn’t tell her the stories I had heard first from him. I let her take the lead. In that phone call she confirmed a lot of my suspicions and told me many more things that were concerning. Most of the stories he told me, she in one way or another told me too, but the stories were different. He had left out pieces or seriously exaggerated others. Some things were just flat out lies that he told. Once again, I went back to “why not just start off being truthful with me?”.
Before I talked to Danielle, I did hear from my biological father and I told him that I had reached out to my siblings. That day’s conversation was the shortest conversation we had in those thirty days. It was also the last call I have made to him. I have spoken with him when I have been with my sister, but I have not talked to him on my own. It was terribly heartbreaking for me. I spent a long time looking for my biological parents. Now, I have one parent whom I have no contact with but not by my choice, and the other parent I do not have verbal contact with but by my choice.
I thought by this point, my biological mother may finally decide to speak with me. I need to have that conversation with her to hear her side of my birth story. I just didn’t feel like I could move forward with him until I knew if what I had been told about my birth was true. I do keep him up to date with my life through letters and pictures, but I cannot listen to him tell me anymore fantastical stories. Honestly, at this point, I felt like the adult in the situation. And once again, I was the one who had to take the back seat to other people’s emotions.
After that first conversation with my sister, I was elated. We seemed to get along so well. Talking to her seemed easy. Hanging up the phone, I felt as if the dialogue would continue. As with the beginning of any new relationship, I was afraid to reach out. My thoughts raced; do I text the next day? Do I give her time to digest? I just did not know what the etiquette was for this type of situation. I didn’t want to overwhelm her and thought she needed time to digest this new situation. I had to remember that I have known for 47 years that I may find a sibling out there, she had no idea that I could even possibly exist. I waited a few days. We texted and then talked. I told her I didn’t want to contact her right away because I figured she needed space. The funny thing is she said she thought the same thing but in reverse.
I was already making a trip to Massachusetts for a class reunion. I told her about the trip, and we decided to meet for the first time. What I had to do was coordinate this visit on the way to my Massachusetts without my mother knowing. I knew this meeting with Danielle would determine what I told my mother. We left early in the morning so we could meet Danielle for lunch. I told my mother that we were leaving later. We met Danielle for lunch with her daughter (my niece). We got along so well. It was a quick meet-up, but I knew from that meeting that I had to tell my mother everything because Danielle was staying in my life. This is what I had been waiting for… a point in my reunion where I felt that I had to drop my guard and come out with the truth. I always was so afraid to hurt my adoptive mothers’ feelings with my search. When I was searching and I wasn’t coming up with any leads or hopes that the reunion was working, I kept it to myself. It was a turning point and I had to be open with my feelings.
When Sean, Brayden and I left the restaurant, I said, “well it is time to be open about this”. We all knew this was not going to be easy. My stomach was in my throat. I was so afraid. Afraid of what? All my life I felt this way, and I can’t tell you why. Maybe the feeling of being rejected? Maybe afraid of being ridiculed? Maybe afraid of the question why does biology matter? Maybe afraid of ‘I raised you. Isn’t that enough’? Maybe afraid of hurting her? When we got to her house, I believe I told her I needed to tell her something and we went on the back porch. I started with my month-long conversations with my biological father. She seemed interested and asked questions. I believe she held in her hurt as best as she could that day. I cried through the whole conversation. I needed that mediator again. Not because she was being mean, but for someone to help explain to her why this search was so important to me. Today, I still don’t think I have been able to communicate that with her. Even as I write this, I’m pushing back tears. I had to tell her… Danielle was not going anywhere.
Initially, I felt better after I told her. I still find it very difficult to talk to her about this. It is something I still need to work through. I feel as if I am “cheating” on her. This is something many adoptees feel. For this reason, many adoptees wait until their adoptive parents have passed away to do their search. Most find that by this point it is too late. Their biological parents have died. I did not want this to be my destiny. Not finding my family until my late 40’s was difficult enough, I missed out on meeting some people who were integral in my adoption process and would know some of the story. Also, I missed out in meeting my biological grandparents.
A dream of Brayden’s was to go to Fenway. We had decided that on this trip we were going to go. Danielle bought tickets for her family and we met her there. Our first real outing. What was even better, was my cousin and his family (the one I matched on Ancestry) were going to meet us for dinner before the game. I was nervous and excited. We had a great time! Although, I was so excited about this meeting. I still felt so out of place. Danielle and our cousin had childhood memories. They had shared memories, I was just a stranger listening in. Throughout all these meetings, we were comparing notes of things when we were growing up. My cousin lived in the next town over from me when I was in elementary school through freshman year of high school. My sister lived two towns over from me when I was a sophomore through senior year of high school. We probably went to some of the same parties or walked past each other in the mall. It is crazy how small the world was. All those times as a child looking for a familiar face and I just might have been looking at one and not even have known it.
When we left Fenway that night, I wasn’t sure when the next time we would see them. What rocked me to the core is when my daughter said, “imagine if we knew them our whole lives?”. It was at this time that it really sunk in…adoption didn’t only affect me. I had been so concerned about how I felt through all of this and about not upsetting my adoptive mother. It never occurred to me on just how much other people in my life were affected or how they missed out as well. Danielle’s children were close to Brayden’s age. My kids grew up with cousins either significantly older or younger. My family lost out on so much. I am not saying they didn’t have family growing up or they were not close to family. Now they have the benefit of having a lot more family. We are not trying to replace our old family for a new one. We all feel we have enough room in our hearts to allow more people into our lives. When I say they lost out on a lot, I mean they lost out not knowing their true heritage or having family that mirrors them. We have gained so much with this search, but we also have realized how much we had lost.
Danielle and I spent that fall texting and talking for hours on the phone. We wanted to try to make up for all those years we lost. We never got to spend a holiday together, so our plan was to have Christmas at our house. I was nervous and excited at the same time. We planned some fun activities leading up to Christmas. We spent the day in Washington, D.C. and even planned an escape room visit. One of the things we had planned, that Danielle and I were so excited about (not so much our husbands), was wearing matching pajamas on Christmas morning. Still to this day we talk about how much we lost out on and how we are going to make it up.
I asked my sister to write a short paragraph about how she felt about my appearance in her life. Here is what she wrote:
The Moment I Found Out I was the Middle Child…
It was late one Saturday night, when I was just getting into bed. I had spent a fun day on Block Island, RI. Following my typical nightly routines before I fall to sleep, I checked my Facebook. I had a message notification waiting to be opened. That was the message that changed my life for the better.
I grew up without my father in the picture. I only recall once that he saw my brother while he was young. However, for me, I did see him only a handful of times while growing up. When I did see him, I asked him on occasion if Paul and I had any more siblings. My father would always give the same answer, “Nope, just you two.” The last time I asked him about other siblings was when I was 21 years old.
When I first saw the Facebook message, I thought it was my father trying to get back in touch with me. When I started to read it, my heart began to race. My first thought was, “Oh hell no, this can’t be true!” When I read the words, “Please let me know either way if you received this message. I can take rejection, but I just want to make sure it reached you”, my eyes welled up with tears… a lot of tears. I responded, “If this is real… you will not be rejected by me.”
The next day we spoke on the phone for the first time. We ended up talking for hours. It is scary how much we are alike!!! I love my BIG sister! Yes, I am not the MIDDLE child. This was exciting news because I was tired of the being the oldest!
I am so grateful that Jen continued her journey in searching for bio family. If she had not, we might not have ever met. I would have never known that I had a sister, brother-in-law, two beautiful nieces, and a nephew. It is crazy how much we just FIT. I continue to count my blessings that she found me. We have so much lost time to make up for together due to the secrets that were kept. Sometimes, it makes me angry to think about. I wish I was a young girl again and knew I had a sister out there. I want those sibling memories together that were stolen from us. However, I am grateful that we have this time NOW.
I am so thankful to be able to call her my sister. Love her to death!!! – Danielle, 2021
Throughout this time, I did not have much contact with my biological brother, Paul. We texted off and on but not in any capacity to really get to know each other. My niece’s birthday was that May, and it was a big one. Sweet 16! I was hoping to use that time to meet him, but he has some health struggles so was not able to make the event. I was disappointed but understood. We did continue to text every so often and then the following spring I got to meet him. Not in the way I would like to have met him, but I still got to be in the same room as him. He was hospitalized and it was uncertain if he would survive. Danielle kept me updated and would Facetime me while she was there so I could see him. He was in a coma. I was devastated. When she called to say he had woken up, I knew it was time to get in a car and drive to see him. I was not wasting another minute. We left early and made it to Massachusetts early in the afternoon. We spent a few hours with him each day until it was time for me to return home. Although not the way we had envisioned meeting, I am so happy I got the chance to meet him. I hope someday we can spend more quality time together as siblings!
During the visit for my niece’s birthday party, I set up a dinner so my adoptive mother could meet my sister and her husband. It was also the first time she would be meeting my daughter Mikayla’s boyfriend (now husband). To say I was stressed out was an understatement…this was a huge step for me. I knew that I needed to include my mother with my reunion if I was to get any acceptance with this. I figured she felt left out, and I wanted her to see that I could combine both families without feeling like I was trying to replace anyone. I believe it went well and everyone got along. Not that I thought they wouldn’t, but I was preparing for the worst. After dinner, she invited all of them back to her house for coffee so we could all spend more time together. Even though I believe it went well. I was so on edge. It was just a weird situation to be in.
During this time of my reunion and even to this day, I know I am hurting my adoptive mother. In the beginning, she didn’t ask about Danielle, so I kept my relationship quiet. I figured she wasn’t asking because it hurt too much. I have read enough about the feelings of adoptive parents in this process to understand the hurt and fear of rejection they can feel. Throughout this process, I was in no means trying to replace anyone. I was trying to fill this void that I have felt for most of my life. It is tiring always thinking about how I am going to make everyone feel by my search. Over the years, I have stressed out wondering if I am doing the right thing. I knew it was right for me, but I knew others would view it as not right for them. I can hear the voices, “how can she do this to the family who raised her?”. Let me set the record straight, this was not a vendetta against anyone. This search was for me. It was time to care for me. Still in this search and reunion, I have found family who are just worried about how this will affect someone that they don’t pursue a relationship. Why can’t we all enjoy just living and being a part of each other’s lives? This has caused the most stress in this whole process. It has done so much damage to my emotional and now physical health. This is one of the reasons I chose to write my story, I need people to read and listen to what I am saying without interjecting. I am tired of the story being turned to ’what about them?’. I am taking care of me and my health. I can’t be responsible for how others feel. Yes, I am mindful, but I can’t change how they are going to react.
Life is short, time goes by so fast, we need to live for what we have right now. The past is the past. Decisions and mistakes were made, and we can’t change that. I can’t change how society viewed unwed, pregnant women at the time of my birth, but we know it was wrong and we need to ensure women are not placed into situations like this again. Remember adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. The money we dish out for people to adopt and the tax breaks the federal government incentivize for adoption should be used to assist women to keep their babies. We now know too much about the trauma associated with taking a baby from its biological parents. Unless the child is in danger for its life or severe neglect is found, the resources should be directed to help these families to continue to care for their children.
The adoption agencies prey on young women and use their current situation to manipulate them. They are a money-making business and will do anything to secure those babies. Therefore, I love the group Saving Our Sisters. This group has ‘Sisters on the Ground’ to help educate women who are thinking about adoption because they just don’t’ know what resources they have available to them. You can volunteer to be a Sister on the Ground or donate by going to their website: Home | Saving Our Sisters savingoursistersadoption.org). You can also follow them on Facebook.
Women contemplating adoption believe that this is the only option because they have little knowledge of resources, psychological issues, and have been told that this is the best. They are continually told they are brave and doing a selfless act unaware of how much pain they will be placing on themselves and their baby. When they deliver, they usually have a change of heart, but the guilt and fear over what the adoption agency and adoptive parents will think or do overtakes them. They believe they cannot back out of the agreement. Some states don’t have a revocation period, and some do. Some adoption agency’s will insist these women deliver in other states just so they are in a state where the revocation period is shorter or where there is no revocation period so that they cannot change their mind. These women just don’t know their rights because they are counseled through the adoption agency whose best interest is their business and their clients, the adoptive parents. I want people to be educated about this. We need to do better by these women and their children.
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